Post soundtrack: Human Behavior by Bjork
I've had a lot of time to contemplate, yet as soon as I think it makes sense, nothing ads up.
The act of the human mind and behavior has always fascinated me, what is it that makes us do the things we do? I love seeing everything from another person perspective, and is probably why I forget to see it from my own.
We take all these precautions in our actions like we are creating a false insurance plan for a future that hasn't even happened yet, our actions of today is to save ourselves from potential pain in the future and still we are proven wrong so many times.
How many times in your life have you held on to a belief only to look back and think
"Wow, I can't believe I used to think that way?"
People change, which is another interesting concept.
One of the major things that has caused my heartbreak is the concept of change, one person believes people don't change, I believe we can.
Of course people change, circumstances changes us, trauma, love, LIFE changes us. I believe hings can change for the better, and even what was once challenging and hard can be something indestructible and beautiful again.
Are there things that are constant? I am not sure I believe that anymore, there is such a vast difference between personality and behavior. You adapt, or sometimes, and this is most times you just fall into bad routines and head down a path that is hard to escape from, and you have no idea how you got there.
That's the saddest thing about it all, I have no idea how we got there. It was brilliant and then I can't find where it slipped. I didn't see us heading that direction and now that look back and see the little signs I want that chance back.
My personality and mood swings can be all over the place, but my behaviour are all product of some event of things I have learned in life. The past 9 months where I have been quite miserable, angry bitter, that has nothing to do with my personality but it is a behaviour reflex of something that effected my emotions and routine.
I may just be a bit more sensitive than others... or maybe i am just real.
I do realize that most of the pain I experience is from the basic human emotion of rejection,
I was rejected.
It doesn't matter what people say " Don't think like that. yada yada..."
When it comes down to it, I was given up on, rejected and no longer wanted and that will hurt anyone. I have heard the boys excuses and they are honestly worth nothing. One can blame work, intimacy..and all these things that really is quite easy to work on if one actually tries.
Instead one person gave up, checked out, didn't want to be there.
In the last months I have heard examples from the boy, friends on why we didn't work, which pisses me off, because all this time people thought I was the negative one, I wasn't, I was the positive one with hope and focus on why we did work. People should focus on why two people should be together more. There you go, I have lots pf positive thinking in me.
There will always be people and circumstance that will have a huge affect on your relationship, and it had on mine. I also learned what every fucking talk show says, it's all about open communication. Every time I watch a fucking movie or anything that's what they say, I now know what that means and I am angry I don't get to test it out. Like I said, many of lifes outside circumstances had a huge effect on me, the boy and where we were in life.
But you know what I also realized after all these months? It doesn't matter, it's the core that matters. Because when you strip away everything, take away job, friends, stress, pressure. If you just strip it away and go back the basic human existence of two people truly getting along and have a connection, then you will have found the most precious gift in life.
If I take away everything in society of tv, materials, carreer and things that don't matter, if we go back to adam and eve it's about having each others back, protecting each other.
You see I know if you took it all away surroundings, I would still have a person I truly connected to in the chore. Sadly technology, temptation, behavior, fear, reasons and excuses that really dont matter at all got in the way...and thats quite sad...because I had found someone, if you took away everything in this world and in my life I would still have my best friend.
Well how's that for a fucking comeback post? I know you missed me and there is loads more feelings stored up in this one waiting to come out.
Labels: love, my-so called life, wonderboy