thetambourinequeen.com

Thats right, I moved the blog and got my own domain.
find me from now on

thetambourinequeen.com

bookmark it!!!

Come with me to the sea...

Post Soundtrack: Sea of love by Catpower

My dreams have been absolute vivid and full of symbolism lately, I started writing it down again because I do believe it unlocks so many things to the human mind.

Most people hate it when people tell them about their dreams, I don't give a crap what you think, it's my blog.  Besides, I am just gonna give you symbolism of it and not detail by detail.
The highlight of last nights dream was:

I was thrown of a speeding boat 

I looked it up and.

Dreams of boats sailboats or ships signify our journey through life and how we manage our experiences and emotions.  Because it is difficult to leave the boat once in water, these dream often relates to close relationships and situation in which we can't easily brake.

Well I'll be damned. I was completely thrown off guard, I didnt see anything that happend to me this year coming, I was just thrown off without warning and it sent me into a tailspin.  In fact I was thrown off a boat, a lifeline was thrown out to me, giving me hope f survival and I fought and swam to get back on the boat.  I used my strength to get to that lifeline and when I did, it got pulled away and I was left in the waters.

Fucking dreams....fucking Freud.

I think I've finally had enough..

 Post Soundtrack: Blow Me by Pink

The strangest thing happened last night, I think I was released.
I had this most vivid dream full of symbolism.
The last part of the dream, which was the important part, I was standing on a porch looking up to the trees. 
There was a huge spiderweb between me and the tree, behind it two of the most beautiful snakes I have ever seen.
One had shed it's skin, the other which I thought was dead I locked eyes with, mesmerized and lost it suddenly lunges to chase me. . . and then I woke up.

I know that dreaming of a snake shedding skin means rebirth.

In Thai culture when a woman dreams of being chased or wrapped by a snake means love is coming her way. 

I believe it too, because I always dreamt of snakes before significant men come into my life.

I got to start having faith again. 

Anyway, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and suddenly I felt OK.
I felt like I had let go finally.  Wonderboy will probably always be the love of my life besides some of the somewhat really selfish asshole things he chose to leave, and it makes fucking sick to my stomach filled with disgust knowing he is seeing someone else now, if I see that shit I will fucking throw up, but  today I am OK, I can live and be happy again.

I actually woke up smiling and felt a weight lifted off me.

like golden rays of sun in the cloud

Post Soundtrack: You don't have a clue by Royksopp

I have this thing of comparing myself and others with TV characters in every show I watch (allot) or at least how they identify, then I call them that as nicknames in my head. .  .now you know.

It must be bad when the two people Wonderboy is strikingly similar too in behaviour is Dexter and Don Draper.  Fuck, puts things in perspective doesn't it?  No,  he is not a serial killing womanizer. . . more a emotionally withdrawn workaholic, wow, on paper that looks really bad.

Dexter and most men in genreal, but Wonderboy more than anyone I have ever met suffers from the classic men syndrome "We don't deal with feelings."  If things get uncomfortable or we don't like it, we are just going kill it and hide or run. 

I was watching Dexter last night and I'm just shaking my head with a chuckle almost whenever he doesn't act or console and runs away from Debra (who by the way is totally motherfucking me) but I got to say I also really connect with Hannah McKay, I totally get her, I'm such a mix of Hannah and Debra.
I digress.
Dexter usually has this funny ability to say the wrong thing at just the wrong time and then just walk away, when he does feel some form of emotion he freaks out and wants to kills something.  I believe Dexter is a serial killer because his dark passenger needs to be in control of emotions and his urge to kill is actually his feelings more than anything...such a metaphor, I am so good.

 I see so many people run away from anything called emotion if they are not capable to control it, they are shit scared to feel.  How the fuck are you supposed to live a life if you become a robot?

I'm not saying it is bad to have control over ones emotion, on the contrary, because that is a skill I could learn,  but you haven't truly felt the true human experience if you don't allow yourself to get absolutely scared and maybe even breakdown.  Look at me, the times I have hit rock bottom I pick myself up again, and yes it is fucking hard, I fucking hate it, and considering how much I gave the deeper the fall I guess. I don't allow to not let anything constrict me, or I am simply not capable.
The problem with people who don't confront their emotions, is one they it's all gonna come down and if you have no experience with expressing emotion be it good or bad, oh man, shitstorm is all i have to say.   There was even a time when I, ME, went though a whole, I am not letting anyone in and I show no feelings period.

Sidenote:  What do you call a person who has the ability to affect the mood in other people?  It's not empathy.  I hear many people say that when I am down or angry I really have the ability to spread that energy, but when I am happy the whole world feels it and it gets infectious.  Trust me, she is coming back with a vengeance, just got piece this clusterfuck mess of a heart together first.

I guess you can see the clash when the one person bears her soul for the world to see no matter what emotion it is and the other runs for dear life the other way as soon as anything come. It's fucked.  On some level, it was perfect, because it created balance.  We were so so different, but so alike.

Yin and Yang, perfect balance that got out of it.

I must write something funny soon, even I am getting a bit down by these.  Cause if it is one thing I am it is hilarious.

Hop bunny, hop hop.

Sidenote

I'm actually feeling quite good. Like after getting it all out there I have this new strength back that is quite powerful. I told my friend yesterday, it's the ones who dares to put themselves out there, all their vulnerable sides, who end up being the stronger one. I surrendered to it, while many people fight to stay so strong and in control. I feel more powerful at this very moment than I have in a long time. Well fuck me this is great news.

love is a losing game

Post soundtrack: Amy Winehouse with Love is a losing game

I was just on the phone with Wonderboy, which is a no no, I know. 
Truth is, he calms me, I have this ability to attract drama into my life, but not when I´m with him or talk to him, oh, there is plenty of drama when we part ways at the end of a night.
 Like I said, his presence calms me, so when he leaves I'm not calm anymore.

It hurts when I can tell he is putting on a cold nonchalant voice just because that is what he thinks is best.  If someone is heartbroken over you, don´t punish them for loving you, especially by what may seem like cruel necessary gestures of what you think is best.  If you hurt someone, you should deal with the pain, and that you caused it, help the person instead, by giving them some dignity.

 Yes, cutting off contact is the main thing, but who are we fucking kidding here? Seriously.  We all slip.
Like drunken late night text messages and the drama that ensues,  if you were the one who left this person, usually they get annoyed of all this late night harassment, but hey what do you expect? 
It all comes from a place of pain that originated from love, a love you once had, respect the wounded one even when they act a bit crazy.  There are of course levels of bat shit crazy, but all our actions is a very old romantic grad gesture saying we love you.

 This is a quote from one of my favorite books Conversations with God, yeah the title screams hello I am a spiritual hipster

“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. When human love relationships fail (relationships never truly fail, except in the strictly human sense that they did not produce what you want), they fail because they were entered into for the wrong reason.
Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them."

I have always loved this quote.

I miss him terribly, but everyday I push a little further.  I even tell myself, if you can´t see how awesome I am now then you don´t deserve me. I always thought that was such a dramatic line.

  Hey I even almost took a man home last night, when I popped over to a friends place having guests but he fell asleep...so that was a cock fucking waste. I almost got myself out there, ready for fun and finding someone who can share a home with me and daddy my doggies with me, I will find him. .maybe he´ll find me first.  I know this is high expectation, but I am too old to just want a boyfriend, but I need a man who can live here with me and help me and in return I am going to become the Tambourine Queen I used to be 2 years ago. full of fucking life and fun.  Or I will revert back to the girl who keeps everyone at an distance and don´t want a relationship, she´s not fun.

Fuck, I´m hungover

be ready to get confused there's definitely no logic to human behaviour

Post soundtrack: Human Behavior by Bjork

I've had a lot of time to contemplate, yet as soon as I think it makes sense, nothing ads up.

The act of the human mind and behavior has always fascinated me, what is it that makes us do the things we do?  I love seeing everything from another person perspective, and is probably why I forget to see it from my own.

We take all these precautions in our actions like we are creating a false insurance plan for a future that hasn't even happened yet, our actions of today is to save ourselves from potential pain in the future and still we are proven wrong so many times.

How many times in your life have you held on to a belief only to look back and think

 "Wow, I can't believe I used to think that way?"

People change, which is another interesting concept.

One of the major things that has caused my heartbreak is the concept of change, one person believes people don't change, I believe we can. 
Of course people change, circumstances changes us, trauma, love,  LIFE changes us. I believe hings can change for the better, and even what was once challenging and hard can be something indestructible and beautiful again. 

Are there things that are constant? I am not sure I believe that anymore, there is such a vast difference between personality and behavior.  You adapt, or sometimes, and this is most times you just fall into bad routines and head down a path that is hard to escape from, and you have no idea how you got there.

That's the saddest thing about it all, I have no idea how we got there.  It was brilliant and then I can't find where it slipped.   I didn't see us heading that direction and now that look back and see the little signs I want that chance back.

My personality and mood swings can be all over the place, but my behaviour are all product of some event of things I have learned in life. The past 9 months where I have been quite miserable, angry bitter, that has nothing to do with my personality but it is a behaviour reflex of something that effected my emotions and routine.

I may just be a bit more sensitive than others... or maybe i am just real.

 I do realize that most of the pain I experience is from the basic human emotion of rejection,

I was rejected.

It doesn't matter what people say " Don't think like that. yada yada..."
When it comes down to it,  I was given up on, rejected and no longer wanted and that will hurt anyone.  I have heard the boys excuses and they are honestly worth nothing.  One can blame work, intimacy..and all these things that really is quite easy to work on if one actually tries.
Instead  one person gave up, checked out, didn't want to be there.

In the last months I have heard examples from the boy, friends on why we didn't work, which pisses me off, because all this time people thought I was the negative one, I wasn't, I was the positive one with hope and focus on why we did work. People should focus on why two people should be together more. There you go, I have lots pf positive thinking in me.

There will always be people and circumstance that will have a huge affect on your relationship, and it had on mine.  I also learned what every fucking talk show says, it's all about open communication. Every time I watch a fucking movie or anything that's what they say,  I now know what that means and I am angry I don't get to test it out. Like I said, many of lifes outside circumstances had a huge effect on me, the boy and where we were in life. 

But you know what I also realized after all these months?  It doesn't matter, it's the core that matters.  Because when you strip away everything, take away job, friends, stress, pressure.  If you just strip it away and go back the basic human existence of two people truly getting along and have a connection, then you will have found the most precious gift in life. 

If I take away everything in society of tv, materials, carreer and things that don't matter, if we go back to adam and eve it's about having each others back, protecting each other.

You see I know if you took it all away surroundings, I would still have a person I truly connected to in the chore.  Sadly technology, temptation, behavior, fear, reasons and excuses that really dont matter at all got in the way...and thats quite sad...because I had found someone, if you took away everything in this world and in my life I would still have my best friend.

Well how's that for a fucking comeback post? I know you missed me and there is loads more feelings stored up in this one waiting to come out.

I love my dog!

I haven't been able to physically move from bed all day, I have this amazing ability to wallow in my own self-pity and drown in it. It's a special skill that can be learned, I can teach you for free, it takes years of practice but I have it down to a T.

I came to yet another very sad realization,
I might have to find my dogs a new home as much as I hate doing that, and will break my heart on a whole other level. it's not fair for them to live under my roof when I can't properly give them the care and time they need. I really don't know what to do with them. They have been my absolute life, my life support but I love them so much I want to have a really good life, Because I cannot lie in this bed forever, I also need to get my life back. I don't have time for them and it's devastating..

Circles

Therapy for me was always writing, the fact that I held nothing back and was brutally honest even though how uncomfortably honest was my thing.  It healed me years ago, till one day I just stopped writing all together.  I felt I needed a niche blog like my cooking blog, or just do the twitter thing or just be a popular social media blog, that´s what happened to me, I lost myself.

Not saying my cooking blog was a mistake, it is still awesome.

Maybe it is loss that makes me write, I was so happy for 3 years I didn´t have things to write about but sickly sweet things and the usual couple challenges.  Or maybe I wanted to be private and not write about my relationship.

Today I am back here in front of my original blog that took me so far, after derailing into a dozen others ones online, this is where it started.  I even logged into myspace and was even impressed by my old blog there. so much pain.

Here I am again, pain is back, it started 9 months ago, but yesterday was the most pain and loss I have ever experienced.
Wonderboy left me, and it has been a a back and forth chaotic time since then.  Yet we made it final, and the pain is quite different from any other heartbreak I have endured in my life so far.
Mostly because I think he is coward on many levels and just didn't want to even try to fight for me, us or the happy partnership we had a very long time.  He thought he knew everything, especially about the future, which is a dangerous game to play.  A man who craves constant change will always be chasing the impossible and end up alone.  The feeling of rejection has hit so hard.  I have to pick myself up again, and this honest confessions of my mind is what has helped me before, so maybe I need it again.

Wonderboy use to love my blogs, he always encouraged me to keep on writing.  I don´t want to wrtie about politics, current events or things you can easily find commentary on online.  I want to write about me, my feelings and what I am seeming to learn in life, this life that will never give you break, the minute you blink and stay content for a second is when it will all disappear.  I look back at the past 4 years and I want them back, I wish they never happened.  

I don´t understand what it is I have really learned besides I met everything I ever wanted but it takes work, I can change for the better when I set my mind to it, a change needed for the dark hole I was stuck in, I was given the hope of a carrot dangling in front of me with a second chance if I just got myself on my feet, and when I did get up, and went to receive my carrot it was thrown away and I fell down a different set of stairs, so I want my 3 years back, I felt more punished than praised and I will always have to live with that.

No relationship is perfect, it all takes work, it can be fun if you allow it to.  All I know is I didn´t loose just a life, but my best friend, my anchor that held me still and pushed me in so many directions with the best support and because I was scared, I froze, I froze up and became still with time.  I am boat drifting without an anchor to keep me still when I need to.

This to shall pass, but fuck do I want that do me now, anything to make this stop.

I dreamt of a snake wrapped around my legs last night. In Asian myth it means your true love will come, I sure hope so,  because I just lost the one I was adamant was the one.  I´m waiting.

Do people still call you Ching Ping?

last time someone called me Ching Ping was probably 1997, and now. I like Ching Ping

Ask me anything

Wonder and I at the Smirnoff Black Gentlemens party. He was one of the 100 gentlemen invited to this lavishly nice party. I must say, we look good.

I want money (That's what I want)

POST SOUNDTRACK: I want money by the flying lizards

As you might have read there is yet again some stupid rallying going down in Bangkok, I personally have not noticed much of it. Only yesterday morning at 7 am did the pick up truck rally drive down our street with loud country music, I almost shot them myself.

Fuckers disturbing my Sunday morning peace.

So I been looking at hotels in Istanbul when I realized that I really need to explore the world way more.

I also read up on Turkey and all these amazing places I wan to see, just stunning.

All my travels have mostly been when I went on tour with ex, where I got to stay in hi end hotels and everything is taken care of for me, I know, I hate me too.

So now trying to do this on my own I realize I totally suck.

There are so many websites like hotwire (nothing in Turkey) , priceline, hotels.com but there are too many choices and I have no idea whre these places are.

All I know is that we have to be near the Ciragan Palace hotel Kempinski, where the wedding will be at.

I also need 5 different dresses for the 5 days the wedding takes place in various places in Istanbul.

5 dresses also means new shoes, well that is my excuse for it.

Oooh I am so excited for a super fun and romantic holiday this summer.

Also means I should do some saving.

How do people save money? Do you put off a specific amount each month, it just seems it is impossible for me, yet so many of my friends are perfectly capable of managing their money.

Seriously, they should have taught us that earlier in school, maybe they did and I was just not paying attention, stupid me.

spit or swallow?

something in between

Ask me anything

spice up your life

POST SOUNDTRACK: Spice up your life by the spice girls

Hey 30 ain't that bad at all.

One week in and its been all good.

Of course, I have been 3 days to the beach, taking a little holiday filled with beach massages, mmm, life is a beach.

Besides getting a bunch of booze for my big day, my Wonderboy went all through for this one.

He got me a big wooden cutting board for the kitchen. Someone who cooks as much as me it is the perfect gift, also the fact I am excited about a cooking board just proves the obvious, I am getting old.

He also got me a bathrobe from the met hotel, not just any bathrobe, hello!! its designed by Armani!!

We spent our first weekend together at the met hotel so it was sort of a anniversary reminder as well.

That boy is good.

Then the boy got me a ipod touch, he sure knows how to spoil me.

Yesterday he comes home with a nintendo wii, which honestly is a spectator entertainment machine. My gosh how i piss myself laughing watching people playing wii sports, they look retarded.

Then I also find out we have been invited to wedding of the year, seriously, it is a ridiculous 5 day wedding in Istanbul.

I am so excited we are going to Turkey for our summer holiday in June.

The itinerary for the wedding is out of this world and we also will be spending time discovering Istanbul, a city I always wanted to see. A romantic trip to Istanbul is never a bad thing, plus I cannot wiat to eat me some Turkish food.

I have promised myself that this year I will add more fun, spice and adventure to my life. (As well as financial stability)

A yes, man sort of approach, live ad have fun and a trip to Istanbul a place I never been is perfect.

Dirty thirty

Some pics from my 90s themed birthday party. I got real shitfaced this year so I didn't take as many pictures as snap happy me usually does.

Hey, you are allowed to be a bit out of the ordinare on your 3oth.

Here a nice 90s blend of grunge and pop
White boy hip hopper and his grunge queen
shots shots shots shots shots shots

My new shoes signed by all my friends



best gift ever

Birthday Girl its your birthday

POST SOUNDTRACK: Birthday girl by the roots

I cant believe how fast time goes by.

Tomorrow I turn 30.

Something that always seemed so distant to me, I never really thought much about turning 30.

I just thought that 30 I would be married with house and kids, not that I necessary wanted it, it was just what I thought my life would be like. "The standard formula"

It is nothing like that, and I am quite happy about that fact.

So in honor of my 30 years I am throwing a big bash tonight.

Its going down Bangkok.

Theme is 90s, I expect to see buffalo shoes and alien workshop gear.

Word.

I am all about birthdays and attention on me, because face it, I love when people celebrate me.

I also like presents.

I have sent out a wish list of specific things I want to my friends, I don't want no crap I think is ugly.

You know that I could use somebody. Someone like you

Post soundtrack: Use somebody by Kings of Leon

One year ago today I went on a date with a boy whom I really had a crush on.

The date lasted 6 hours and by the end I knew I met a boy who would make me laugh as well as have serious talks and everything in between.

One year later I get to wake up to that boy every day, that boy is my boyfriend and I get to live with the most amazing man.

Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

POST SOUNDTRACK: Wouldnt it be nice by The beach boys

When it comes to relationships there are certain subjects one shall approach with caution.

Today's subject is, marriage.

Now Wonderboy and I have never really discussed this as it really isn't an issue concerning any of us.

He knows I love the idea of having a wild Las Vegas wedding (as well as a traditional one)

Anyhow, I had to tease my man the other day when he possibly gave me the worst form of delivery in form of what could have been a fucked up proposal ever.

Since he is not a Thai citizen, my man has to apply for a work permit.

Now that he just started a new company with a friend and all, it becomes a bit more trickier and complicated.

So he had to see a lawyer to discuss his options.

I know he was stressing out, but please, next time think before you deliver a message.

I am sitting at work when I get this message

BAD NEWS

Option A- Find x amount of money

Option B- Find half of x amount of money and we have to get married

Luckily, I reacted with laughter and thought wow, he could have done such a better job at delivering that message.

Being the option B of bad news never sound good, especially when you talk about marriage.

I knew he was stressed and freaking out, still it was just so wrong.

That night when I came home I had to say how lucky he were to have me because

A. Many women would have reacted a lot differently

B. I could have taken it the wrong way and replied and said yes

C. It was in fact quite insulting

Now my new nickname is option b.

Oh men, you do amuse us.

Things that make me proud to be a Norwegian

If this is not the coolest outfit EVER in the history of the Olympics, then I dont know.

The Norwegian Curling team clown pants is too cool for school.

They made curling cool.

WRITERS BLOCK

formspring.me

Do you think you'll move back to Norway to live/work?

I dont know, I never thought I would move back to Thailand either. But you never know what the future brings so I like to keep that option open

Ask me anything

formspring.me

have you ever had an eating disorder

no, I have been obsessed with my weight and food and working out but never did I have any disorder. Many thought so because I got really skinny a few years back, but truth is I was depressed and just had no hunger for anything in life.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Do you keep in touch with the girls from your old pop group?

Sort of, we keep in touch via social websites. I dont actually see them much, but I would love to have a reunion with the girls, its been so long us four have been together and we changed so much

Ask me anything

formspring.me

What type of skin care product do you use for summer and winter?

I only use Lancome products, I have stuck with Lancome for 15 years. I say stick with one product, find one that works good for your skin. I take pride that I do actually look youn because I take good care of my skin.

Ask me anything

Everybody's gonna love today

POST SOUNDTRACK: love today by Mika

So its valentines weekend, I suddenly find that so many people around me are really not bothered or shun the day really.

Me, I have never had any problems with it, very whatever, but I am looking forward to this one.

I have not been out on a valentines date for 7 years, so I am looking forward to just be extra mushy on that day.

You hear people say

"why celebrate on one day when you should be celebrating love everyday"

Well I have learned that it ain't always easy to do that ever day.

Life does come in the way.

I am girl and I do like a bit a romance and I find that having one day of the year where you pay extra attention, it aint nothing wrong with that.

I really wasn't to bothered when I was single, I did not sulk or anything, lonely maybe.

I just find it is nice now that I do have someone to actually do something special with, to have a day to be extra spoiled.

im a barbie girl

post soundtrack: Barbie gilr by aqua

Its project barbie day

I post something with me in pink.
I do not own much pink, all though a fortune teller once told me that pink is my lucky color.
So here is the 2 photos I found of me in pink.

The first one a self portrait I took, while lying on the floor of out garage, wearing my pink sweat pants.


This second photo I love, it from fashion week last year Sirivannari show. I love her collection and I loved walking this dress, its stunning and I felt so feminine yet edgy. I think this style is how pink goes best with my personality

Back in the jungle

post soundtrack: Back in the jungle by Bass Junkie

I been away for the last 3 days on my company team building outing trip, basically an excuse to get trashed on the company money.
A little bit of bad timing since I was arranging the big blog scam day and didn't have access to my computer.

THANK YOU to everyone who re-posted, participated and spread the word and brought awareness to this scam, really I truly appreciate it.

I get a lot of questions on my photography and thought I would put out a little pr for my tumblr blog. A place I post a lot of my photo work, mostly revolving around life in Bangkok and self portraits, cause I am narcissistic like that.

http://micheleronja.tumblr.com

formspring.me

When is your next splits blog post? It's been a while.

True dat, true dat.
Laila has been quite tame on the splits lately, as she hasnt been in full bloom trash.

I promise that on my 30th b day in March there will be tons of splits going down.
But maybe I will try to squeeze on in thie weekend.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

What ever happened to the mix tape you promised me? (See your blog post here http://bit.ly/bxZR88)Robbie, UK

OH, MY G O D!!! I forgot about that, completely. Obviously. Ok, mix tape for you sir!!

Ask me anything

My life is an open book

I just signed up at formspring
A place you can ask me anything, anonymously and I will post the answers here.
Great little service from the wonderful world of internet.
So if you have anything you want me to write about or ask about, you can no also do so

http://www.formspring.me/tambourinequeen